“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
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Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Is this you?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.