scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
You Might Also Like
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…