I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.