I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
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I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
#Caturday
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Mornin
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”