I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞