Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Nice try, poison.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..