I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
never ask a starfish for directions
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’