I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.