“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
some things should go without saying
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice