I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
me: my friends:
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Don’t snitch tag.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.