I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.