I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild