I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.