I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
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i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*pronounces UPS like yoops
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.