I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid