I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Weirdos gonna weird.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Perfect
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten