I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
6. me as a lawyer
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.