Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
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Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”