Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Mornin. * use accordingly
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*limbos under the caution tape
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.