I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine