@theevilwriter: I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted.
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@eric10F: Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
@themorris23: I use the word "thingy" when I cant think of the word: Me- Are you picking up the "thingy's?" Wife- ...you mean your kids? Me- Dont judge me
@themiltron: [the invention of money] i want your stuff "it's mine tho" what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper "hmmm"