@theevilwriter: I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted.
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@WheelTod: [On phone with circus] Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job” Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it” Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?" Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?” Hannibal: *hangs up
@UncleDuke1969: Me: What are my choices again? Pollster: Donald Trump… Me: Or? Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby. Me: … Pollster: Well? Me: I’m thinking.
@laurajennyjo: Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive
@JarrettsPosts: my grandpa doesn’t use his blinker because “its no one else’s business where he’s going”