My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.