@KenJennings: I subscribe to Groupon because it's good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.
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@mrtruthandsoul: Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress? Obama: Well, I've alw-- Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
@counterfeitingl: When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
@thedailymarker: My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn't like so we don't have to share.
@RorynotRoy: Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, "Yeah, I've been working out." Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, "I feel SO fat."