Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.