@KenJennings: I subscribe to Groupon because it's good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.
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@TheMichaelRock: I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.
@SenatorBigfoot: Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs! [two days later] Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.
@UtilityLimb: WELCOME TO GYM. [5gp] WOOD MUSCLE // [10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE // [50gp] IRON MUSCLE // [100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE // [999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
@pizzajaynow: Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."