I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.