I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
lol
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Why are bridges so flammable.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits