I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.