i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
You Might Also Like
plant them where lol
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”