You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.