I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
professor x: what鈥檚 your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 馃槶
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That鈥檚 how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
So my wife doesn鈥檛 like the new shampoo she bought. I鈥檒l give you two guesses who鈥檚 gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”