I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
can’t bark with your mouth full
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend