@Dawn_M_: I swear babe, I'm a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
@noog: God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
@Seinfeld2000: 7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
@_troyjohnson: *loads dryer*
Fitted Sheet: HE'S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
@E_lok44: Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.