@Dawn_M_: I swear babe, I'm a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
@CaptainJerkwad: "Where does it hurt?" the doctor asked.
"Right Ear" replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
@KtotheK39: Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.
@XplodingUnicorn: *quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
@CoolCamel69: *pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
@TheMichaelRock: A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.