I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
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The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
SCARY COSTUME
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good