I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My dog ate my work from home.