@RockKraller: I swear...I think restaurants with drive thru's identify the dumbest employee and say "here, you get to wear the headset"
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@InternetHippo: [genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy— [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me
@markleggett: A man who calls himself "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is currently hunting down a man named "War Machine". We all live inside a comic book now.
@SirEviscerate: ME: *sits* BARBER: You're completely bald. ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
@kyry5: Me: "This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones" "Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys"