I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
sugar glider wrangler
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.