I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
*puts cutlery down*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?