I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
*mops up wine with cat*
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..