I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Friday night party time 🥳
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Coffee is ready.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.