Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
#StillHurts
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
It was worth a shot 😂
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”