*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.