@SarahR_82: I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he'd know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [on first date] I'll have an iced tea, please. Waiter: Sure. Ummm...anything for the balloon with a woman's face drawn on it?
@ZachXJ: Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, "Don't tell my mom."
@FinallyHeSleeps: Me: "Don't piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half." 10yo: "A phone what?"