@Dutch_50: I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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@QwertyJones3: [Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs] "You doing legs today?" Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
@AimeeHelene1: I feel like I might kill someone today, and I'm starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.
@Kyle_Lippert: I'm having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
@joci2203: Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss? Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why? Cop:Lol, nevermind