I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it