I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“i miss shittin on people”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.