@huntigula: I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache? FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
@Pro_Jones_: (Date) Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks. Her: You mean panic attacks? Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
@UncleDuke1969: [doorbell] "Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?" "No." "Why not?" "He died like 2000 years ago." "So?" "I'm 46. Do the math."