I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…