@huntigula: I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat
@WGladstone: When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
@JasonLastname: Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
@kimlockhartga: I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.