@huntigula: I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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@TheWeirdWorld: One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
@stephenjmolloy: [Every restaurant ever] Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?" Waiter: "Yes." Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."
@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.