@huntigula: I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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@moooooog35: One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
@BobTheSuit: CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone's iPhone? NSA: "U2's New Album"
@zgbetty: The 2nd grade teacher asked parents to donate supplies for tie dye tshirt day but I'm not sure I can come up with that much weed by Friday.
@abbycohenwl: [cat hospital] Cat Nurse: Let's get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*