“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
🙂🙃🥹
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
The struggle is real
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
So that’s what we looked like?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”