I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
You Might Also Like
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
#NeverForget
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.