I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
You Might Also Like
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
just left a huge legacy in there
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.