Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
こいつ天才
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Oh my God.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam