@ReeseButCallMeV: I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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@doublewenis: Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
@NikkiGlaser: I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
@birbigs: Russian skater just explained that he is "not a robot," proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics