@ReeseButCallMeV: I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
@jeremysmiles: So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider
@TheMichaelRock: December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.
@Royceda59: I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she's not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.