@ReeseButCallMeV: I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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@THEDUTHCHESS: Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful. Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
@AbbyHasIssues: (Grabs store intercom) Would whoever dropped the list with “pizza” and “wine” on it in the cart come to the front? We need to be friends.
@TheTweetOfGod: My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
@NightValeRadio: I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I'll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.