@ReeseButCallMeV: I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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@tricycle_champ: [walking away from taco truck] WIFE: whats wrong ME: nothing WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco ME: *wiping away tears* no
@Jamie1947: Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear. "That's incredible", he says "When did I record this?"
@clindsaysway: Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
@ThisCantBRight: I don't condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.