I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.