I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Banking tips
Moms. The original autocorrect.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
lost dog
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
when mom throws a party…
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.