I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.