I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.