I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
You Might Also Like
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…