I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Merica.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.